little boy lost, he takes himself so seriously

its amazing what a little meditation can do to your perspective

seriously it can really help your mind set , I highly recommend it

okay now, now don't go lumping me into the whole mysterioso genre of people
trying to buy peace and consciousness inside a candle that has some perfume on it
and gets charged 800% more money because it is a "healing" candle,
just because I recommend meditatious D

I don't buy 99% of the shit people tell me or report to me
as what this universe is all about, how do they know?
but if "healing" candles help people out, so be it
just as long as you don't tell me I have to buy one to ensure spiritual enlightenment

I get all my candle supplies from the holiday clearance sales at kohls in the beginning of january

things are once again coming full circle
I knew there had to be some reason why my dad use to have me
and my brother and sister sit on sundays with shot gun blast protective ear-phones,
even if we didn't have homework, and just sit and think.
He would tell us to just sit and meditate and listen to our minds for a while and
think about our up-coming week. As much as I wanted to get up and play with my star wars figures, in retrospect I think it was a good influence, and I am relearning these things once again
once again

so on with meditation

It really is amazing what you can achieve when you actually try to shut down
your brain for a few minutes let alone an hour (I have yet to make it past the minute mark!)

there is a loss of self(which is unbelievably good)
it is almost impossible to be selfless while your mind is running rampant
the mere chance that you can think, brings your evaluation back to yourself
there is no way to avoid this
you are always going to relate things to yourself
its your only model of example

we spend so much time looking at ourselves and what is happening in our lives
that we become blinded by everything else

so back to my recent meditation

I was sitting in a yoga class last night (Uh-oh I said the Y-word...yoga.. its not that bad, I promise I don't have tarot cards or energy beads hidden under my bed...promise.. maybe just a couple of lucky pennies and movie ticket stubs..thats it I swear)

back to my main point...so I had just finished my session and was in the final stage which is called
savasana(corpse pose) and it is where you meditate,
anyways I had somewhat of a revelation last night
it occurred to me that through all of this I am nothing(in essence I am no-thing )
and.....this is good

I mean I DO exist, but I take my self way too seriously
way way way way way too seriously in the whole scope of things

I agonize over every thought and idea and action
and all in all when everything is said and done
I will be a speck on the wall for half a milli-second

basically, I need to relax and know that everything may not happen as I thought it would have
this is the story of life
everything you thought
changed a second ago

anyways I apologize for this post
its one long tangent
in the form of a run-on sentence.
basically the way I talk and think every waking hour

well at least when I am not meditating

communist cuz I'm left handed

thats the hand to use..well nevermind...

dylan thomas or not I finished the GRE and it is now post history
finite - O
infintismal i-ation
i-dea
i-past

task=done
now back to the constant search and evalutation
of life and mind and all the other circles of life

the coming fall has now made me depressed
the shift from aniticipation to sheer depression has
found its roots in different parts of the brain stem yet again

I mean of course I embrace every coming moment but
it is just so depressing to once again be single through another beautiful season
I mean it makes you feel like you have the best hand of cards in the world with
no one to play.

I mean its like that feeling you get when watching a sunset alone
it has its beauty and serenity and all,
but you can't help but think that something is missing in this equation

enough already right???... blah blah blah... same thing all the time..I need new topics

hopefully this blog thing will help get this heartache out of my system
or at least visualize that I am writing the same shit over and over again
and maybe process it somehow

either that or make me completely depressed by seeing how
I am writing the same thing over and over again
again circles

anyways

I am through with the sad sap sychophant

at least for today

fall and we all sing!

man I love the fall
nothing compares to this weather

cool crisp breezes, days that start to shorten
which....
means my days have perfect sunset timing

the work day toils on and then as I am driving
home the sunset comes through
and I walk around with colored leaves and know
I have my time now
no work, no politics, just
me and music and love and laughter
and maybe even anxiety and fear and corners of the room
with white walls and staring for hours at a time

but what would it all be without the highs and lows
there is nothing more beautiful than
the rise and fall of the seasons

its times like these that I really wish I still smoked, it makes me think of
college standing outside of the natural history building waiting to go to my 8 O'clock
catching the morning sun on the quad and thinking of my life

you know back in the days when I had girlfriends

ouch

well at least I got the GRE tomorrow
rright??

valleys of peace

I think I am getting sick, I can't tell if it is
me or some actual real ailment , I never can tell

anyways, I am taking the GRE on saturday
so it would make sense that I was coming down with something
and at the same time
it would make sense that it is nothing and I completely freaking out
and causing myself to be sick

I am such a paranoid hypocondriac

I have so many words swirling through my head
that I have no idea what I am talking about anyways

..discourse,disparate,disengenuous, desemble...
why can't they just make words make sense?

for example
this is one of my favorites "enervate"

which in case you didn't know means "to weaken"
what kind of sadistic asshole decided to make that word mean
"to weaken", I mean it should mean energize or something that would "enervate"

I mean it is like making up words like "powerate" or "maximate"
and having them mean "small and weak"


on a much more somber and realistic note
I recieved some sad news last night
and just wanted cb
to know you're in my thoughts.

white flags blanket white stockings

or rather failed dream metaphor

jesus, as if you don't have enough shit trying to live
and breath everyday
and maybe
maybe

find a decent girl to fall in love with and marry
and spend my life with

the one fabric thread holding me onto this
god forsaken planet
goes up and chokes again,

.... please ozzie revamp this meat head team
and bring some fire into the field?

I want guys breaking up double plays
I want catchers standing up to tori hunter
I want aggressive SMART baserunning....
I want the team to fall in love

as I fall in love
as I find my reason to be
as I find my year

just as the seasons change
and things begin again

(constant soundtrack in my head./././)
"septemmmmber I will reeeemember....a love once new has noowwwwww grown old...."

god bless simon and god bless garfunkel

maybe I should sit back and grow my fro out garfunkel style
and sit around with pineapples and ferns like on the cover of
"parsley, sage, rosmary and thyme..."
(whats the deal with that album cover anyways?)

anyways not to sound depressing in anyway what so ever
always good to rant

I think I may even start to like this

this being my embryo or ;thus; beginning to..

1. brace once

to find an all too easy scheme of thoughts
the ones that should be quartered and drawn
but slowly creep through the pores of your skin and
frighten, the never ending look over the shoulder
the back pedal and lost
only open screen doors and cool crisp breezes seem to calm
bringing on waves of memories and emotion(yeah, bring it on W!)
you finally settle to find
the morning returns to begin this again

2. brace hot! shots! part duex!

didn't you remember

this is beginings and ends
this is falling asleep and slow motion alarms
these are horrible days and beautiful nights
this is whispers of clouds born in sand
never kissing dirt
and always finding

casting shadows away to
castles and pillows
made of warm love and peace

3. brace open eyes

kindness and sorrow
and these words wait
slowly on the arms of dull harbor lights

finally we get to see
the ghost of hank williams
and me
dancing from pier to pier
and catching no fish

(geez...I can't believe george lucas is not going to release the original
theartical versions of the first 3 star wars movies on dvd, he is only
releasing the altered new version, fuck the new versions and
their child-safe pumpkin cutter reality, I want the old steak knife versions,
the kind that are dull but never fail to cut. thoughts ???)


first attempt...