leaving on a jet plane

I have had something in my mind for a while now
and have debated whether or not I wanted to share this
or even feel if it was necessary to share

anyways here goes

for some reason ever since I can remember
I have always experienced a certain amount of anxiety
before I leave on a trip.
over the years it has gone from mild jitters
to full blown panic attacks not being able to sleep or eat

it is really weird to me
since I should be at ease, knowing I will
be away from work and away from responsibilities

but maybe that is why I get the way I am
my mind has always feared having too much time on its
hands(hence the always being busy thing)
whenever I have had an opportunity to take time off of work
or the band or anything, I have usually gone into some sort
of depression.

music helps but there have even been times when I have barely
been able to play my guitar without having to get up and
pace around

booze and puzzles help(doing the same thing eating up large amounts
of time, without thinking)
but in the end they get finished and you need to get another
puzzle or more booze to prolong the effect

it is like my mind get so excited for a change
that it thinks of a million ways to disrupt or destroy
this excitement and unknown
I always think
"what if I get depressed and ruin the trip for everyone else?"
"what if I want to leave and just go home, halfway through this, will
I be trapped not able to move, assigned to some binding contract..."

all of this is nonsense, but in your mind, at the time,
it seems like the most logical real thing you have ever experienced

until one steps away from the scenario
and takes a look at the bigger picture does one
realize it doesn't matter

if you need to go home...go
if you need to be depressed...be

(try not to poke too much smot during this either, which I always end up
doing and getting more cerebral than I already needed to be, everything in moderation right?, thats the key to life)

anyways back to my trip

I am leaving tomorrow to see the golden skies of california
I can't wait to get on the road
and have not a care in the world
and force myself to do nothing
for a change

I think it will be good for me
even if I do freak out somewhat

in the words of the immortal borat
and in no relation, but to make me laugh

"sexy time!"

age..blanhk...blind..deaf...dumb

the series of events as one may or may not fear
to find out and as I may become the reverse tommy

blind->deaf->dumb

sometimes I seriously think that the amount of partying
and whatnot will eventually leave me stupid
not that I have a grace of knowledge already to tout
but still you hold yourself in some regard

...at least I think I am right all the time
even if I am not in thinking...

my dad always tells me that drinkin whiskey makes you forget stuff
and fall over at times(I am picturing this in my mind and have to think that
has probably happened to me many a morning, many times when not drinkin)

and now I have to admit he may be on to something
I just don't see how that is any different than downing 11.5 highlife's
in a night. Maybe the barley and hops keep you on your toes?

anyways I think today and today and toDAY
have been rather acerbic in all of our minds these days

d

this represents everything I can think of, probably the best image in the history of all mankind. 

in the book of right on, she was right on

bring these things back
in small moments or even not at all
but to just pretend they once were
give me a dream that fall somewhere between
the summers of august
and the winters of july

give me false hope
give me radiant eyelines
skied across the night

break the repetition of neverending

signils has been quoth before!

leave these hollow pastoral dreams away
I have no need for them
far far(l l l)in a distant sea floating to find
chilly north winds and ice

bring back gravity and youth
promises and myopic sitting somewhere on division st.
like it should be

I need the easy-to stomach bounce
the endless nightless days

hit and fall
hit and fail
hit and then

sorrow

I continue to walk these same streets

it has been an endless 5 years

opus #57682086

that speech at the inauguration sounded like something out of
the old testament or even worse ala charlie-heston-moses sprawl
and verse.
" After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical -- and then there came a day of fire."

is that not just downright sickening
they interviewed people in the crowd at the speech
and the most important issue to most of them
was the sanctity of marriage and making abortion illegal

"they're completely out of touch with reality"

how does 2 gay guys getting married threaten someone else's life
please tell me I wanna know their secret weapon that will
admonish us and our kin for all of eternity?

its time to reel back into the land of recluse
write songs, dream of poetry, and look for a girl to spend
my life with.

I write Iraq Iran

"Bush said on Monday that Washington would not rule out military action against Iran if it was not more forthcoming about its suspected nuclear weapons programme"

check out more here

The bush adminstration is taking no time to bring about total world-wide destruction.

do we really want to invade iran next?

I mean it wouldn't surprise me,

doesn't it seem weird that we invaded both countries surrounding iran anyways,
I always figured iran was next?

We have legitimate bases flanking both sides

Why is this being hushed?

oh this may be why

we need to organize

now

Bring 'em on( I want bush!)

I have tried my hardest to refrain from political rants but one can only take so much

Why is that news of WMD search ends up on page 16 of the tribune.

Wouldn't you think this to be front page news, I mean jesus,
wasn't that the whole reason we were over there.

It makes me wanna puke, whenever the right wing begin's
spewing their "we're embarking on an experiment of bringing democracy to the middle east".
What does that really mean?
could we bring that experiment to the sudan?
how about north korea or even parts of china?

It sound so familiar

very much like our policy with taming the so-called savage natives
of this country 200 years ago.

"We must show our indian brothers
the brutality of their non-christian (peaceful) lifestyles
and replace this with a 2000 year history of war
and bloodshed that we can call christianity"

I mean we still haven't helped the indians
how long will it take in iraq?

ola's #3 

ola's #2 

ola's #1 

"angry voss" + kelly.com 

magnum 

Putting on the Foil

"jesus they don't leave the bench..."

I gots to talking with fask last night
(one of the many beautiful perks of having a roomie
sit around and talk about shit at 12:30 a.m. until god know's when,
when I am supposed to be sleeping.)
seriously I wouldn't trade it for the world
best stretches one could ever have

it makes sense to me
when fask and I were held in captivity
out in the burbs we would always chill outside by
a lamp post in front of my parents house
and have a final cigarette as the night would come to a close

we would reflect and project what had been going on in the mind
and what we wanted to do. It was nice to get a good recap in before
slumberland and we stuck to our schedule like clock work.

anyways we have gotten older now
and the cigarettes have been traded in for carrots and hummus
topped of with a couple lawn-mowers and a pomegranate
but the idea is still there

and we still haven't missed a beat in a long time
reflecting what has been going on
and where we were headed

lately we have been quite synchronized and
for the last couple of days have
been in horrible angry-voss moods
putting on the foil
and letting out the "fear"

it feels good once in a while to be an asshole
and be angry, you know?
so you still know where the bottom of the fish tank is

I think we have found bottom, one takes only so much
self-loathing, although I always find a way to top myself,

soon it will be time to return to optimism and hope
...well maybe in a couple more days...

"thats enough for now boys...."

way back in 1993

so I finally saw garden state and although I had many reservations going in
when viewing this movie, I have to say I liked it.

so many reviewers had drawn a similarity to the graduate
which made me instantly not want to like the movie
(graduate = my favorite movie of all time)

and although there are many similarities, in a coming to age sort of way,
I see them as vastly different movies.

garden state reminded me of small scenes in college or just there after
that I am sometimes still visiting now.
It was well shot, had a great soundtrack and made excellent use of time-lapse filming
techniques

anyways here are some of the things that bothered me in the movie

First of all, it seemed unrealitic that all of the girls he encountered were drop dead gorgeous.
I mean I know you need to have prettier girls in movies
to sell more tickets, but it didn't seem very believable to me.
(I mean how many people drop a tab of X and then have the hottest girl in the party straddle you
and then start to make out with you???, I must have been at the wrong parties I guess...)

secondly, I also don't know how I feel about the use of the shin's song "new slang"

it felt like all of a sudden this beautiful secret world of music had been bastardized
and whored out to the rest of the world
starring natalie portman smiling and singing along
telling me this song would change my life

no shit it would change my life
and the fact that you didn't know about it
in your ever precious hollywood world
meant something to me

I guess the biggest dagger and my final quip with the movie
(which is partially my fault for my own tardiness)
is the use of "the only living boy in new york"

that song was and remains a testament to one of the hardest years of my life
way back in my freshman year of college in 1993-1994
there are probably only 2 people in the world that know how important that song
was to me, dave K and julie D, and both of them and that song kept me alive during that year.

I have always dreamed of using that song in a movie of mine
and have been beaten to the punch
by mr. jack braff

now I have to relive that cheesy scene in the bottom of a that gorge
as they all simulataneously scream and let us know
that they have some form of new lease on life
for eternity

thanks

why couldn't you have left my song alone?

anyways sorry for the rant

again I really did like the movie
but those were things that have been stuck in my mind
since I have seen it

faskolization "I'm there..."

schneider prayer dance

wonder boyz 

8 miles high 

martini's 

The sunshine bores the daylights out of me

we have rAng in the new years and the ball has dropped
finally(...its about time....)

time to reflect and rearrange and re-evaluate
new ideas, same faces, new faces, familiar scenes and new ways to look at them

I am tired of partying

faskola put it best "....I feel so USed....worn tired and thin...."
I feel like we have sailed away at sea and have come back
with saltwater skin and sunburnt hair
a horrible rash of scurvey and ricketts

time to return home
it time for puzzles, warm tea, and records on the old record player
the beautiful grating sound against the brain as the windows cover with frost
peering out into the winter nights
warm and content with staying in

I had a horrible night sleep last night
15 minutes tops

I just sat there in my bed and stared
tossing and turning, doing nothing

every 3 minutes turning
and finding a new angle to try and fall asleep
and failing miserably

man, what a waste of time