leaves fall(is:us)

I walked very slowly on my way to work today
the day was grey and cold
and I liked it
I was late for work and there weren't many cars on the highway

I have to admit I have been enjoying riding in my car alone in the morning
not for lack of company
but just to sit

not being worried if I am late for work
not being worried if I am missing something

just to sit

sitting in my car listening to a mix tape I have been working on for eq.

I sat there and got a million cars to stop alongside all of them thinking I was leaving giving up a soft juicy candy-like parking spot

nope

just sitting and taking it in
"sorry broheim... not leaving"

I relived the nightmares of burning stars falling in the night again
sitting awake and feeling the room burn
you know...the same thing over and over again
sitting in my room(jesus was it hot!!)
hot hot hot, I think I could survive an entire winter without turning on the heat
maybe

anyways

the eternal once I think that I am doing fine scenario
bam!, the floor drops out and your sitting there back where you were
sisyphean reality
how come we always fall for it?

everytime I think, hell yeah, I'm SO in the clear this time
to only once again
be sitting up at 2 in the morning
trying to fall asleep
feeling like my gut
have betrayed me

I didn't betray anyone
why feelings of depression
and guilt and constant mental evaluation?

why?

what is this.....

"come on...you mean you don't pocket mulch...,
I'm a fifth level vegan, I don't eat anything with a shadow..."